...Posing as a Business Expert
• "I think I've been asked to speak today in order to help clear up these kinds of issues. After all, I think we've all heard the expression: Those that can do - do. Those that can't do - teach. And those that can't teach - consult. And those that can't consult, recruit those that can do, which I think pretty much should explain the whole thing."
• "Hopefully by now you figured out that I'm not actually a consultant to your company, and if you haven't ...you're fired. I'm actually a Stand up comedian from New York and my name is Harry Dilbert Freedman, well, that's my stage name, my real name is Biff Wilson and the reason I'm really here today is to talk to you about Amway products." ... Posing as a Transportation Expert
•"Some of the airlines may be cutting too many corners. I was on TWA from Florida recently... we flew real low to the ground so we could drop quarters in the tollbooths. We went over a beach, 15 old guys with metal detectors got stuck to the bottom of the plane."
...Posing as a Real Estate Expert
• "You can get publicity in the building industry by avoiding glitzy fads and going back to traditional building materials that have proven themselves over the years... like asbestos for example. I say if asbestos was good enough for us when we were kids, it should be good enough for our kids today."
...Posing as a job Placement Expert
• "Above all, remember 1/3 of all applicants lie about their backgrounds, and as far as I'm concerned, that's good, because that means it's also okay if you lie about the job. Since they think the company believes their resume, it's okay for you to let them believe it's also a good job."
...Posing as a Technology Expert/Futurist
• "Strategic planning also means naming your electronic products carefully. Look what happened to Wang for example. Here's a company that would still be thriving if their salesmen didn't have to keep going up to strangers and asking, "Wanna buy a Wang?"
• " I can't believe they cloned the monkees. They should've cloned the Beatles instead - they were a lot better group."
...Posing as a Health Care Expert
• "Sometimes as a physician I'll be in the middle of an operation and realize, "I don't know what the heck I'm doing." I like to call that 'Exploratory Surgery.'"
• "They're inventing crazy stuff for medicine. Somebody recently invented a solar powered pacemaker. So now, when the sun goes down, so do you."
...Posing as a Banking/Financial Expert
• "I did some work for Citibank... and improved their service, by helping them get rid of their outdoor ATM cash machines and putting them inside; or in other words, we finally brought crime off the streets and into their bank lobbies where it really belongs."
...Posing as a Legal Expert
• "I've had some legal successes I'd like to share. For example, I helped hand-pick the jury that gave 2.9 million to the woman singed by a cup of Mcdonalds coffee, and I am currently suing for 9 million in a similar case involving Chamomile Herbal Tea."
...Posing as a Food Industry Expert
• "Certain foods that are supposedly good for you really aren't - like hot cereal. Ever walk away from a bowl of hot cereal? You come back 20 seconds later - it's like a block of cement. I spackled my house with grits. I think the Mafia throws people in the river with Farina Overcoats."
...Posing as an Environmental Expert
• "If the spotted owl is so rare, how is it that they keep getting spotted? Obviously, the fact we know they even exist means there's more then enough of them to go around."
...Posing as a Credit Card Expert
• "When I first got a call saying I was wanted by American Express, the first thought I had, was, 'oh my goodness' they're finally coming after me...until I checked my records and realized no, that would actually be Visa; so the good news is that I'm going to use the payment for my speech tonight to finally wipe out my debts with Visa, and begin running one up now on American Express.
"I want to add that if for any reason I'm not paid within 30 days for my services tonight, I'll be adding an extra 18% interest charge for every month they're late."
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