Get Gendersmart! Understand Behavioral Style Differences
by Jane Sanders

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Many biological and social differences translate to behavioral style differences between men and women. Reasons for recognizable communication confusion and conflict will become more apparent as you see how these styles aren't just different, they basically oppose each other. You'll see yourself in this information, and you'll recognize people you love and work with.

But we must start somewhere, and these generalities provide a foundation to work with. That's why I label them as "masculine" and "feminine" styles rather than "male" and "female" - all people have a combination of both styles. Understanding these differences, whether with a woman using a masculine style, a man with a feminine style, a woman with a feminine style, etc., will help you improve the productivity and effectiveness of your communication.

Starting at the top of the list, men are more programmed for independence and superiority (due to past duties of hunting, protecting, etc.). On the other hand, responsible for relationships and considered less important than males, women are programmed more so for consensus and inferiority. At best, even today, equality. Society is getting better, but this programming has been part of our make-up for hundreds of thousands of years and it's not going to go away anytime soon.

Competition vs. Harmony

Again because of leadership and protection responsibilities, men are programmed more for status and competition than women, whereas women are wired more for connection and harmony. Even in conversation these differences are demonstrated. According to Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men In Conversation (William Morrow, 1990), men often view conversations as "negotiations" in which they try to achieve status and maintain independence. Women, on the other hand, tend to see conversation as a way to connect with other people.

Men prefer to be respected and admired; women prefer to be liked and approved of. Be very clear that I am not saying women don't want to be respected and admired, or men don't want to be liked. I'm referring to generalities and preferences here.

I'll share a story from my good friend Fred. It illustrates the competitive nature of men, both with other men and with themselves!

On a blistering hot afternoon in Washington, DC, Fred was attending a party after work in a courtyard outside a downtown bar. He was on his way out when he spotted an attractive woman ("a babe" in his exact words) in the corner. He thought he should at least try to talk to her or he'd be thinking about her all night. As he worked his way through the crowd toward her, he told himself, "I better say something clever, something that will sweep her off her feet, something that will set me apart from all the other dudes on the prowl."

Suddenly, Fred was face to face with her, and what came out of his mouth was, "So, is it, is it, hot enough for you?" Lame line, he admits, but they started talking, and two years later, Fred and Ellen were married.

Some time later, Fred asked his wife, "Darling, what did you think? What came to mind when I approached you that day in the courtyard?" She responded, "Well, you were wearing a yellow shirt, and that made you look sallow (Ellen is an image consultant), but I did think you might be a warm guy."

Fred wasn't clear on what all that meant, so he opened the dictionary. The definition for sallow was "almost dead." Ugh, he thought. But he was feeling pretty good about "warm" until he found that definition..."not so hot."

Stress - Withdraw vs. Talk

Men tend to withdraw under stress. Remember, they were programmed for independence and superiority, and feel they should solve their own problems. If you have read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, which I recommend you do, you may recall that John Gray tells us that men go into their caves when stressed. They don't want help, they want to figure it out themselves. So they go off some place where they can ponder the issue alone and process it. On the opposite end of the spectrum, women talk under stress for two reasons: they bond through sharing feelings and problems, and they are more verbal, so talking through issues helps them process and understand. A very different style! What happens? Men see and hear women talking about all these problems and think, "Good grief, she's going to have a nervous breakdown any second now!" No, it's just a style difference!

Bonding Styles

Men bond through tasks and activities. Working on the car, playing sports, painting the house. As I just mentioned, women bond through talking. Women readers, your partner comes in from a game of golf. You ask him how the game was. "Fine." Then you ask what he and his friends talked about. "Nothing." He's serious! And if they did talk about something at any length, he doesn't remember what! Even so, he feels just as close to his friends as you do to yours, it's just a different style of bonding. Neither of these styles are right or wrong, good or bad, just different.

Of course men do talk, but generally not to the degree women do and usually about sports, hobbies, or business. And these differences are international! My friend Andrew in Sydney told me about the Great Aussie Barby Syndrome. This is where all the men stand around the bar-b-que talking about sports, and all the women sit somewhere nearby talking about kids or other "womanly" topics. Heaven help anyone who attempts a border crossing! Andrew advised that this is seen as treachery to your gender.

Anger vs. Tears

It is socially more acceptable for men to show anger and aggression, whereas it is not socially acceptable for women to show anger and aggression. Yes, we are getting more open-minded and less judgmental about this, but we still have a long way to go. I've heard it said that in the workplace, when a man loses his temper and yells, it's viewed as taking control. When a woman loses her temper and yells, it's viewed as losing control. Think about it. Same behavior, totally disparate perceptions due solely to gender differences.

Hundreds of years ago, when the Japanese first started training the Samurai Warriors, they trained women as well as men. And women were just as accurate as the men. But they had to stop including women because they were being killed much more often. Why? Because they would hold back and attack only when they were 100% certain that that enemy meant them harm. They couldn't be 100% certain until the sword was already in their bellies! So women were being killed much more often than men, despite the fact that they were just as accurate with their weapons.

A woman in one of my workshops lamented the fact that her co-workers, both men and women, resent her for being more assertive and outspoken in meetings. This stems from both genders expecting women to be softer and harmonious. There is absolutely nothing wrong with women being assertive, more power to them, I say. My advice is to be polite at the same time, that's all. And you can take opportunities outside of meetings to let your softer side show through...everyone has a softer side, by the way. As long as you treat others with respect and compassion, and do the best job you can at work, then don't worry about it. Be yourself and sooner than later others will understand and grow comfortable with your style.

Asking For Help

It can be difficult for men to ask for help because of the independence and superiority wiring. Of course, the first example that my seminar attendees mention...asking for directions. (That's probably why Jimmy Hoffa is still missing!) On the other hand, women usually don't mind asking for help. They'll pull over every 2 blocks if they have to. They make friends that way...and find new people to talk to!

However...let's compare giving directions. Usually when you receive directions from a man, you know right where you're going. South on Broadway, go east on Main two blocks, second house on the right number 14020. On the other hand, women are more visual, and detail-oriented. "You know where that little white church is on Main, down there on the end? Yes, all the way at the end. Well, don't go that far." And also, "Before you get there, you're going to feel like you want to go right, but don't, go left instead." What is that, feel like you want to go right? I received this instruction from a woman once, and you know what? I trusted her! I thought, "OK, I'll come to a place where I'll want to turn right but I'm not supposed to. I guess I'll just know it when I get there." And I did!

Conflict - Direct vs. Avoidance

Men tend to handle conflict directly, again due to the competition and superiority programming. Women, however, often avoid and fear conflict. They have been taught not to hurt anybody's feelings. They've been programmed that if they make somebody mad, they might die. This is deep, deep stuff. In many cases women will still engage in conflict, but only when they are threatened, and see no other alternative. And they still feel fearful and apprehensive about it.

Brief vs. Detailed

Men, programmed to communicate only to keep people alive, to keep the species going, still generally speak briefly and to the point. Men communicate to solve problems, to figure things out (understand), whereas women communicate to bond, relate, and to be understood. So women discuss things in more detail.

One of my sisters, Kathy, is the Assistant Administrator of a rehabilitation hospital in San Antonio. A patient turned in a complaint about one of the nurses that worked for Kathy, so Kathy asked the nurse to follow protocol by filling out a two-page report. Kathy sent it up to her boss, and it came back down in inter-office mail the next day with a note that said, "What does this say?" Kathy wrote on it, "Nurse did bad, nurse told if she does bad again she's fired." She sent it back up and didn't hear another word. That's all he wanted to know! He wanted the bottom line, he didn't want to read a two-page report. Style differences.

A business associate of mine is president of a high profile trade organization. One of the women who report to him, an attorney, keeps him posted, with excruciating detail, about every situation she is involved with. Her level of exactness is tiresome to many of her co-workers. My friend is patient with her and allows her to work within her comfort range, which means making sure he knows everything that she knows, because she ultimately does very good work. He says it takes more time than necessary but he finds it a worthwhile investment as the end product is very good. I think this attorney should count her blessings she has such an understanding boss. I must admit I might not have the patience to listen to all the details regarding her legal forays and accomplishments.

Let's give each other the benefit of the doubt! Explore meaning and intention before jumping to conclusions that he's a jerk or she's a _itch. I'm of the mind to celebrate our differences. How boring would it be if we were all the same! I am thrilled that men are different than I am, and I hope they stay that way. When I get confused or tempted to become offended, I just remember these differences and they help guide me through the conflict. Viva la difference!